Funny ACTUAL Newspaper Headlines

•	17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree
•	2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
•	Alton attorney accidentally sues himself
•	Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 
•	Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood. 
•	British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 
•	Car repairman charged with battery.
•	Coach fire - passengers safely alight
•	Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
•	County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds
•	Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
•	Crack found in man's buttocks
•	Dealers will hear car talk at noon
•	Deer Kill 17,000 
•	Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit
•	Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 
•	Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
•	Eastern head seeks arms 
•	Enfields couple slain; Police suspect homicide
•	Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
•	Eye Drops Off Shelf 
•	Failed panda mating - veterinarian takes over 
•	Farmer Bill dies in house
•	Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons
•	Fish need water, Fed says
•	Get your lard out for the tits.     (a seasonal tip for birdwatchers)
•	Grandmother of eight makes a hole in one
•	Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
•	If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
•	Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
•	Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
•	Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
•	Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
•	Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
•	Kids must be shot by monday 
•	Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 
•	Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
•	Legge Heads Arms Body   (featured apparently on a BBC Radio 4 News Quiz)
•	lf Strike Isn't Settled Quickly It May Last a While 
•	Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
•	Lung cancer in women mushrooms
•	Man in diaper directs traffic
•	Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
•	Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
•	Miners Refuse to Work after Death
•	Must sell, sell.  I reduce the price to $2500 for quick sale, for appointment call Rob.
•	Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
•	New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
•	New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 
•	One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers
•	Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
•	Plane Too Close to Ground Crash Probe Told
•	Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
•	President wins budget; more lies ahead 
•	Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
•	Psychopaths unpredictable 
•	Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
•	Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
•	Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 
•	Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
•	Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash Expert Says 
•	Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
•	Squad helps dog bite victim
•	Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25
•	Stolen Painting Found by Tree
•	Stud tires out
•	Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
•	Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 
•	There are no mistakes in this hedline
•	Thought for the day: The best exercise -- reach down and pull someone up. Sponsored by Petersen Funeral Home.
•	Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike Says
•	Tuna Biting Off Washington Coast
•	Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter 
•	Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
•	Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
•	Utah Poison Center reminds everyone not to take poison
•	War Dims Hope for Peace 
•	Water houseplants when soil is dry